Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i believe in u and ur pee
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
