How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
