Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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