You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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