and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize