I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
