Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
