He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
