i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
