I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
