My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
