I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
