life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
