Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
