i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
