Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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