I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
