Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
