Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
