Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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