So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
