I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
