Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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