She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i've created a new STD.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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