i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
