separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I touched a dick in church today
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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