you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
