glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
