Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
