hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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