wanna go halves on a baby?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
