His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
