This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What a dumb baby whore.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
