and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
