I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
