i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
