i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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