Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
