Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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