I need help removing her.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
