I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
