Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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