she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just pee around me
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
