I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
