I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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