do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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