its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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