Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
