I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
