Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
