i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize