The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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