My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
