I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
