The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
