Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize