I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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