i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
