I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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