WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
