what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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