Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
