Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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