Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
