When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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