Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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