non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
